No bodily fluids at the dinner table

Where do I start? Tara asked me to be part of a dinner club with her friend Kara. Dinner? Restaurants? I am in.

I arrive at Sage armed with random topics of small talk (I just finished 2 great books, saw some good movies and there is always the opportunity to spread the gospel of How I Met Your Mother). It is a hodge podge of girls, all about my age that all know each other through a certain degree of separation, most of us are all meeting for the first time. As it is to be expected, most of the women are pregnant or have recently birthed. As it is to be expected, children were heavily the topic of conversation. Here are the some of the topics we touched on last night:

birth; bloody nipples; babies ingesting your blood; needing to sit on a pillow for 2 months; dilating; throwing up; throwing up at the kitchen table while eating dinner; diarrhea; the rancid smell of farts when you are sick; trying to nurse when you are full and it shooting everywhere (and the hand motion of liquid shooting out your boobs).

I understand that when you are a mom, it is all-consuming. There is no time for anything else and this is your life. You deserve to talk and tell your stories, please do not mistake me for criticizing people for talking about something I am not interested in. This just went a little too far.

I don't understand when a women gets pregnant, her private parts become open news. Do not share what your vagina is doing to total strangers. It is not appropriate. I am also one that believes there are some private issues in your house that should stay private. If it happens in the bathroom, let it stay. There is a reason bathrooms are so small: it is meant for just one person (unless you live in Sarah's bathroom, but that is meant for film equipment, but I digress). Then women become mothers and they don't think of what they are actually saying sometimes. Rancid farts as dinner conversation? No. Then they gross out if the skin is left on the fish. Seriously, you just went into detail about your three year old's digestion issues and fish skin pushes you over the edge? Take off the mommy blinders.

As I am listening to the bloody nipple story I am trying to add to the conversation. But what do I say? Do I ask for more detail about the bloody nipple? No, I don't want to encourage this. Do I tell a sister-in-law's birth story? No because who wants to hear about a stranger's birth story? Not me.

I see that there is no point in introducing a new topic. These women have not read a book or have seen a movie in years. There are moms. The are too busy cleaning up vomit and chasing naked kids (again, not criticizing, this is what they are suppose to be doing). I choose to just sit, listen, and look forward to my nice quiet house.

I know I don't understand the neanderthal method of the parasite/host relationship in gestation and I don't understand why anyone would freely choose to enter it. I also don't understand how women give themselves up entirely when they have children. I understand that kids are consuming, but if I was in the situation, I honestly believe that I would still watch CNN. I would make an effort to turn on NPR during the day to learn something and have something else to consume my mind and my conversation. There are moms that are out there that can have other conversations outside their children or tell a story that doesn't involve bodily fluids.

I know many of you are moms or going-to-be moms and I have put you a little on the defensive. I want to hear about your children. I do. Honestly. Please just edit before you open your mouth, just as I do. I do not talk about doctor's appointments, womanly issues, fluids, etc. I did not go into detail what what was oozing out of the shingles because it was not appropriate or needed. Please just edit.

Tara and Kara, you do a great job at editing. OK, never mind, Kara, you do a great job of editing. Thank you. Tara, you are good at talking about kids and then moving on.

My question is: how do I drive the conversation next month? I need to find mom-friendly topics. I realize movies and books are out. TV is probably out because I don't watch The Disney Channel. Current events? Usually too tragic (no bodily fluids at the dinner table). What else is there?